Those Phrases from A Parent Which Rescued Me as a First-Time Parent

"In my view I was just in survival mode for twelve months."

Former reality TV star Ryan Libbey thought he would to manage the demands of becoming a dad.

However the truth soon proved to be "very different" to what he'd imagined.

Life-threatening health complications around the birth caused his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was thrust into acting as her main carer while also taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I took on each nighttime feed, every nappy change… each outing. The duty of mother and father," Ryan stated.

Following eleven months he became exhausted. It was a chat with his own dad, on a park bench, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.

The direct words "You aren't in a healthy space. You require some help. In what way can I assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to speak honestly, look for assistance and start recovering.

His situation is not uncommon, but seldom highlighted. Although the public is now more comfortable discussing the strain on mothers and about postpartum depression, less is said about the struggles fathers go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to ask for help

Ryan feels his difficulties are part of a wider reluctance to talk amongst men, who often hold onto harmful ideas of masculinity.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the fortress that just gets hit and stays upright time and again."

"It isn't a show of failure to seek help. I was too slow to do that quick enough," he explains.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher who studies mental health surrounding childbirth, says men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're having a hard time.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be asking for help" - especially in front of a new mother and infant - but she highlights their mental state is just as important to the unit.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad gave him the space to ask for a respite - spending a few days overseas, separate from the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He came to see he had to make a shift to consider his and his partner's feelings alongside the logistical chores of taking care of a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she was yearning" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

Reparenting yourself'

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan views fatherhood.

He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he aspires his son will read as he matures.

Ryan hopes these will help his son to more fully comprehend the vocabulary of emotion and make sense of his parenting choices.

The concept of "reparenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen was without stable male a father figure. Even with having an "amazing" bond with his dad, profound emotional pain meant his father found it hard to cope and was "in and out" of his life, complicating their relationship.

Stephen says repressing emotions resulted in him make "poor actions" when younger to change how he was feeling, turning in drink and drugs as an escape from the anguish.

"You find your way to behaviours that are harmful," he notes. "They can short-term modify how you feel, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."

Tips for Getting By as a New Father

• Share with someone - if you're feeling under pressure, tell a friend, your partner or a professional what you're going through. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel more supported.
• Remember your hobbies - keep doing the pursuits that helped you to feel like yourself before becoming a parent. Examples include going for a run, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Pay attention to the physical health - a good diet, staying active and where possible, sleep, all play a role in how your emotional health is coping.
• Spend time with other parents in the same boat - listening to their stories, the difficult parts, as well as the good ones, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Remember that asking for help isn't failing - looking after yourself is the most effective way you can look after your family.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the passing, having been out of touch with him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's resolved not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead give the safety and nurturing he missed out on.

When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they practise "releasing the emotion" together - expressing the feelings safely.

The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men due to the fact that they faced their issues, transformed how they talk, and figured out how to manage themselves for their sons.

"I am now more capable of… dealing with things and managing things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a letter to Leo recently," Ryan adds. "I said, sometimes I think my job is to teach and advise you how to behave, but in reality, it's a dialogue. I am understanding just as much as you are in this journey."