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Being a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, mostly enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, however it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I begin seeing a potential partner, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners again.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, frequently causing significant pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.

Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to handle various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you might meet someone who provides a life-changing chance for you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and recognize the value of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.

• The psychotherapist is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.